Yesterdays post seemed to be perfectly timed with a conversation that I had with a friend. She called to tell me some upsetting news. Although she didn’t really have many answers or details one thing became apparent to me. It’s easy to see how decisions can be made from an emotional state and they may not be the ones a person would have made had they taken a bit more time to let dust settle or to reflect on their situation.

This got me thinking further and specifically about two phrases that I find hard to swallow. Even though I know they are so true.

1 – This is happening FOR you and not TO you. While this statement may be hard to accept changing your frame of mind about your situation is the difference between empowering yourself and taking a look at what you can learn OR being a victim.

2 – Everything happens the way it’s supposed to happen. How do you know it’s supposed to happen that way? Because it DID. Ohhhh I have struggled with this one. It is especially difficult to work through this as you are navigating the situation or shit storm versus looking back and saying, okay yeah I get it now.

Both of these examples are wonderful opportunities to look in the mirror and dig deep, asking yourself some hard questions. What is the lesson for you to learn? Maybe there is more than one. What did you learn ab out yourself or the other person/people involved? Were you really being true to yourself before? Were you being honest with yourself? Was this situation given to you as a catalyst for the thing you are meant to be doing?

Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in the immediate trauma or grief of a situation that instead of just looking it in the face, acknowledging it and moving forward we end up dragging it along, weighing us down. We carry this baggage like an invisible cloak. We repeat the same patterns, or we don’t.

Someone said to Voltaire, “Life is hard.” Voltaire replied, “Compared to what?”

The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.

Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation which is always neutral, which always is as it is. There is the situation or the fact, and here are my thoughts about it. Instead of making up stories, stay with the facts. “I am ruined” is a story. It limits you and prevents you from taking effective action. “I have 50 cents left in my bank account” is a fact.

Facing facts is always empowering. Be aware that what you think, to a large extent, creates the emotions that you feel. See the link between your thinking and your emotions. Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.

~ Eckhart Tolle

Imaging right now a scenario where a family member, friend or coworker makes a decision that you do not agree with. This should be fairly easy considering what has happened over the last two years. Got your example? Good.

As you read these words did your example come without thought or hesitation? What did you feel as you thought of your situation and the decision that this other person made which you disagree with?

Do you feel anger?

Do you feel sad?

Do you feel disappointed or frustrated?

Do you feel surprised and kind of like you don’t know who they really are because you can’t believe they are doing this?

Now let me ask you this….HOW does this person’s decision directly affect or impact your life?

Does it change the time of day you wake up?

Does it impact your job?

Does it affect your drive to work or daily habits?

Does it change ANYTHING about you personally?

You may have answered a YES to a few of or all of the first set of questions. And I’m willing to bet you answered NO to all of the bottom questions. So here’s the thing. THEIR DECISION IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Yeah, yeah I get it that you are friends. OR that it’s your sibling. OR that you have worked with this person for so many years. But it’s none of your business. Unless something directly impacts or affects you your opinion doesn’t matter concerning someone else’s decision. EVEN IF they ask you. EVEN IF they spend hours and hours talking with you.

This is a difficult concept to grasp or rather separate ourselves from. Because what we really are doing is getting emotionally attached to another person’s story and we now feel like we are involved in it too. While our life paths may cross or even run together for years, they are still TWO separate lives. You cannot claim to know what’s best for another person. And the most difficult thing about this is that even if you did know best, they still need to make their own decision so they can have their own learning experiences out of life. There has to be ups and downs, mistakes and successes.

As we navigate this thing called life make sure you take a good long hard look in the mirror and reflect upon the things that you are doing, could be doing, should be doing, shouldn’t be doing and ask yourself if your really in a position to judge your friend, family member or coworker with anything other than love, kindness and acceptance.

Before you take the speck out of someone else’s eye, take the log out of your own

Considering all that is happening here in Canada I feel like this prayer needs to be shared. I don’t know for certain who wrote the prayer. I found it in an old training log book that a guy left at my house after a workout. Maybe he wrote it, maybe he copied it. But wherever you are, whatever you are going through – this is for you.

Dear God,

Give me what no one else wants; what no one else dares to ask for.

Give me darkness, coldness, discomfort and pain.

My God, you’ve given me courage, strength and faith to work in turmoil,

Insecurity and chaos to do the right thing, no matter the situation.

Pain is inevitable in this life.

Remind me God that suffering is optional.

Amen

Minding your own business. This is something that in a way can easily become a forgotten practice and then when you say it to someone it can sound rude. I feel like we live in a time where everyone is always sharing so much information and seeking answers or guidance or confirmation about what they are doing. Yet on the other hand when you offer your two cents or advice it can be seen as pushy and nosy for getting in someone’s business.

I suppose that in many ways this back and forth just happens naturally and throughout the years or time spent with people. Whether it’s family you see all the time or a coworker that you start chatting with it seems like the progression transpires without knowing or thinking about it. It becomes part of your conversation. When someone shares a problem or situation and then you see them again we naturally want to know what happened, what did they say, what was the result. But do we listen just to listen or do we start attaching emotions to the other person’s story, after all we feel like we are experiencing it through their replay? This is where it seems like we have the right to offer advice or make suggestions because now we have invested lots of time with this person into conversation about whatever it is.

Life can teach you many lessons if you are willing to see them. And these lessons are most obvious when you are at the receiving end of the stick. After having gone through a long situation of dealing with people that could not mind their own business, and they gossiped, and they knew all the answers to everything (yet of course did’t have skin in the game) it awakened me to my own behaviour.

Now when someone is talking or sharing a problem I let them vent without stepping in or giving an opinion unless asked. Her is the thing though, even IF you are asked it’s still none of your business. So I am careful to answer the What Would You Do question. Because here’s the thing…they are NOT going to do what I would do. We are all different people. So instead of insisting on how I would do something I have learned to give a suggestion more based on them and what might be within their capacity or better suited for them.

Taking a step back to just listen sometimes has turned out to be a gift because ultimately not everyone wants help or solutions or to have something fixed. Sometimes people just want to talk out loud. And they just need an ear.

You must be interested in finding the best way, not in having your own way.

~ John Wooden

Each of us has a GIFT. Some us seem to be born knowing what our gift is and others struggle to find it. Ultimately I think that for those who are struggling deep down we know what our gift is but we have avoided or forgotten our true Gift. We knew as a child though. But we grew and we pushed it aside seeking approval or love or fulfilling the expectations of other as time went on. We lost our Gift.

A friend reminded me tonight about one of my Gifts and pointed out that it’s actually being almost selfish to not share your Gift with the world. Why would a person privately work on their Gift but then hide it away never to be seen.

I suppose that I had not really thought of the points that she made before and perhaps there was a part of me that was doing it out of enjoyment, but not expecting that it would be good enough that others would enjoy it let alone buy it.

But funny how it goes sometimes in that you meet someone who believes in you and encourages you so that you feel inspired. And you end up believing in yourself saying, Hey she’s right.

Each of us has a GIFT. Do you know yours?

Every man is free to rise as far as he’s willing and able, but the degree to which he thinks determines the degree to which he’ll rise.

~ Ayn Rand

Mama told me when I was young

Come sit beside me my only son

And listen closely to what I say

And if you do this it’ll help you

Some sunny day oh yeah

Oh take your time don’t live too fast

Troubles will come they will pass

Go find a woman yeah and you’ll find love

And don’t forget son there is someone up above

And be a simple kind of man

Oh be something you love and understand

Baby be a simple kind of man

Oh won’t you do this for me son if you can

Forget your lust for the rich man’s gold

All that you nee is in your soul

And you can do this oh babe if you try

All that I want for you my sone is to be satisfied

And be a simple kind of man

Oh be something you love and understand

Baby be a simple kind of man

Oh won’t you do this for me son if you can

Oh yes will

Oh don’t you worry you’ll find yourself

Follow your heart and nothing else

And you can tho this oh babe if you try

All that I want for you my son is to be satisfied

And be a simple kind of man

Oh be something you love and understand

Baby be a simple kind of man

Oh won’t you do this for me son if you can

And baby be a simple real simple man

Oh be something you love and understand

Baby be a simple kind of man

~ Lynryd Skynyrd

Sundown in the Paris of the prairies

Wheat kings have all treasures buried

And all you hear are the rusty breezes

Pushing around the weathervane Jesus

His Zippo lighter, he sees the killer’s face

Maybe it’s someone standing in a killer’s place

Twenty years for nothing, well, that’s nothing new

Besides, no one’s interested in something you didn’t do

Wheat kings and pretty things

Let’s just see what the morning brings

There’s a dream he dreams where the high school’s dead and stark

It’s a museum and we’re all locked up in it after dark

The walls are lined all yellow, grey and sinister

Hung with pictures of our parents’ prime ministers

Wheat kings and pretty things

Wait and see what tomorrow brings

Late breaking story on the CBC

A nations whispers, “We always knew that he’d go free”

They add, “You can’t be fond of living in the past

‘Cause if you are, then there’s no way that you’re gonna last”

Wheat kings and pretty things

Let’s just see what tomorrow brings

Wheat kings and pretty things

Oh, that’s what tomorrow brings

~ Tragically Hip

Music is and has always been very powerful for me. I feel a connection to music deep in my soul. I’m sure when you think of a few songs that resonate with you, you get it too.

Music can invoke emotional responses. Some of this may be attached to a memory, some may make us feel energized or fired up. And yet some can make us feel happy or sad. It’s interesting if you are able, to see how these responses correlate with your physiology.

There are constant changes to our physiology and we are often so disconnected from ourselves that we miss or flat out ignore these signs. While we can sometimes see certain behavioural signs like being agitated or impatient what about the ones that are more difficult to see, because they are felt.

Think of it like this….have you ever noticed that when life seems to be going smoothly and you feel good, you feel GOOD. Your whole body seems to be moving and functioning well. In fact you don’t even really think about it. On the flip side can you think of a time that was very stressful and challenging? Maybe there was some trauma or heartbreak to deal with. Issues with kids, coworkers, friends, a spouse and now physically what is going on? Headaches, tight shoulders, poor sleep, poor digestion, your back pain starts acting up, hips are tight, you get a cold….one time during a stressful period in a job I hated I woke up one morning and my upper back and arms were covered in what I suppose was hives. Obviously I blamed the laundry detergent at first…what else could it be?

The last almost two years I have spent more time learning about how to reconnect to my physiology and be better at reading my signs. This is definitely a work in progress and especially being able to detect things in real time. Over the last week or so music has really been on my mind because I have not just used it in terms of listening to it, but truly felt the effects of how I feel. The breathe is the first and biggest signal for me.

The question for you is…can you start to notice where music triggers you? What music do you choose for a drive home from work? What music do you choose to exercise or cook to? When you see something social media how does the message or content play a part with the music? Now what are your physiological signs that corresponded with this?

If you are not willing to learn, no one can help you. If you are determined to learn, no one can stop you.

~ Unknown

“It is not the critic who counts. Not the man who lints out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself a a worthy cause. Who at best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.”

~ Theodore Roosevelt

A reminder for oneself to take a look in the mirror. Take the log out of your own eye before you take the speck out of someone else’s eye. If you really aren’t willing to get dirty or put skin in the game your opinion doesn’t count. Your opinion doesn’t matter because ultimately it’s equally as useless as asking someone for directions when they themselves don’t know how to get there.