Over the past few days there seems to be a recurring theme. Not just for me but for others around me.

Growth is often uncomfortable. And I suppose that makes sense. Think of the caterpillar making its cocoon and then coming out…slowly spreading the new wings. It is truly an amazing process. Not really unlike our own processes of growth.

It is hard enough to make change, grow, have patience with yourself and keep moving forward. It’s quite another thing though to realize that while you are working at all of this, others are not. They are not interested in looking within. They are not willing to look in the mirror and take accountability for their actions, their part and the consequences from their choices.

This can be extremely frustrating (in my experience) because it will seem like you finally come to a point where you notice your own personal improvements and behaviour changes and then BooM you are faced with a situation where you now need to go beyond your current bandwidth because someone else cannot go beyond theirs. It’s like you want to stomp and say ‘Why am I the one that has to change? Why can’t they?’

And THAT, right there in that moment is when growth happens. The moment you see it happening in real time and can choose your next step, or response or how to navigate the current situation. It is not easy. It is not always comfortable. But when you become aware of your situation, surroundings and what is happening you cannot just suddenly be unaware anymore. You are now awake. You have grown.

A happy life consists not in the absence but the mastery of hardships.

~ Hellen Keller

On Thursday, March 3 I lost my beautiful Max. He was 10.5 years old.

I really could not have been less prepared for this. Not that I think we can ever BE prepared to lose our pet/s but considering all the other times that he had been sick – I just didn’t see this one coming.

If I am being honest with myself I have known for over a year that he had gotten fussy with eating. He acted excited. He started to eat but then always walked away. If I moved his food to a new spot he would continue eating. Sometimes I moved it a third time.

I realize that this really was catering to him and without knowing or intentionally doing it, everything came to revolve around Max. One might say I should have offered it once and then pulled away if he walked away. After all an animal will eat when it is hungry right? Although I knew that to be true, two things can be true at the same time. And I also knew something was off and it didn’t matter how many times I pulled the food away he kept doing the same thing. It’s like he needed a break or wanted to eat slower.

I could tell there was a change and it wasn’t just being a spoiled cat. It was something going on that we could never quite put our finger on….until it was too late.

The days leading up to Max’s last day really had been a repeat of history for us. He started off by getting sick one night after eating. Then he did not eat Friday or Saturday. I considered taking him to the Vet on Saturday morning but knew they would do nothing because at that point he had only gone one day without eating. It wasn’t completely unusual for Max to do this. So I waited out the weekend.

He did not eat.

By Monday I was concerned because now it had been three full days of no eating and vomitting many times. They gave him fluids and an antibiotic injection. He seemed to perk up a tiny bit. I admit that I had no inclination that he would not pull through this. He went back to the Vet on Tuesday and again on Wednesday. That day they did bloodwork and checked his creatinine levels.

And that’s when I knew he wouldn’t make it. Normal levels of creatinine for a kitty are between 71 and 212. Max was well over 500. We had been down this road before but he was not this high. I knew he would not make it. This was our end.

It seems strange how time seems to go faster once there is a diagnosis and Max deteriorated throughout the day. He barely moved. His strength was gone.

I cried and prayed that night that he would just fall asleep and go. But his little heart kept beating and he kept breathing. The next morning we went back to the Vet and I said goodbye. He slipped away so quickly.

It has been one month today. I still feel broken hearted and I am still crying. He wasn’t just woven into the fabric of my life, he was the fabric. Everything really revolved around Max. I loved him so much.

I love him still.

How can you mend a broken heart? How can you stop the rain from falling down? How can you stop, the sun from shining? What makes the world go round? How can you mend, this broken man? How can a loser ever win? Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again….

~ The BeeGee’s