You could never know what it’s like

Your blood like winter freezes just like ice

And there’s a cold lonely light that shines from you

You’ll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win?

Well look at me, I’m coming back again

I got a taste of love in a simple way

And if you need to know while I’m still standing you just fade away

Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever

Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid

I’m still standing after all this time

Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I’m still standing, yeah, yeah, yeah

I’m still standing, yeah, yeah, yeah

Once I never could hope to win

You starting down the road leaving me again

The threats you made were meant to cut me down

And if our live was just a circus you’d be a clown by now

Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did

Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid

I’m still standing after all this time

Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I’m still standing, yeah, yeah, yeah

I’m still standing, yeah, yeah, yeah

~ Elton John

What is your STORY?

What is the story that you tell yourself? What is the story that you go along with but have never agreed with? What is the story that has ultimately left you stuck OR it has changed the trajectory of your life and you just cannot see IT for what it is?

We all have a story. If you don’t have a story one might ask if you are really living or perhaps you are just unwilling to look closer at yourself. I think what is very intriguing is not just the story in itself but what the outcome has been or how the person has navigated the story of their life.

I have a story. But my story seems to only focus on this one experience. It definitely changed my life and while I know it is for the better I haven’t FELT that better part yet. So perhaps that’s why I still struggle. It’s like I am waiting for this better thing to happen or come into my life so I can truly feel like I have moved forward or start a new story. Instead I feel lost.

The details of the story are really irrelevant at this point in time. I think that once the experience is over the details will always be somewhat irrelevant. Mainly because, it’s over. What is important or relevant though is how you move forward with your story. How do you tell the story to another person? Do you feel grief or anger still? Do you feel betrayed or want forgiveness?

I know that it has taken me a lot longer than I would have liked to move forward from my story. However, I suppose that if I would have had the proper tools or guidance I could have started the healing process quicker. But there, in itself is I suppose part of the process. You have to WANT to do it because looking at things in new ways makes you relive some parts or accept aspects that maybe you didn’t see before. So the healing process can be painful.

I think that the further away I move from the experience the better I feel for two reasons. First time does heal all wounds. It doesn’t negate or take away the feelings that I had during the experience, but now I can view everything from a more neutral standpoint. Secondly I have worked at processing and dealing with so many aspects that I am less emotional now when I think or talk about it. That feels good and empowering because it feels like ME again.

The last aspect that has come to my attention was the idea that maybe the healing had to happen in a certain way. Like peeling layers of an onion. You cannot peel three layers down, you have to start with the first layer and then slowly get to the next. And although it didn’t happen the way I wanted or nearly as fast it IS happening and continues to happen.

It is not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.

~ Epictetus

People believe themselves to be dependant on what happens for their happiness, that is to say, dependant on form. They don’t realize that what happens is the most unstable thing in the universe. It changes constantly. They look upon the present moment as either marred by something that has happened and shouldn’t have or deficient because of something that has not happened but should have. And so they miss the deeper perfection that is inherent on life itself, a perfection that is already here, that lies beyond what is happening or not happening beyond form.

Accept the present moment and find perfection that is deeper than any form and untouched by time.

~ Eckhart Tolle

In January people all over the world make new year resolutions. The percentage of people that keeps these is likely vey low. There are, in my opinion two reasons for this. One is motivation which I have previously written about. But to quickly recap if we start out on a high and have lots of motivation we are unable to sustain that feeling forever and when it drops we lose not only the motivation but also the momentum we had. Those two seem to go hand in hand. You can have low motivation but if you start with eve the smallest of actions this creates momentum. As momentum builds you can bring back motivation. Since motivation is not always present consistency really is the key to long term success or achieving one’s goals.

The second reason we fail at our New Years resolution is because the moment we have one slip up we quit. We miss one gym session on a Wednesday morning and instead of reflecting on the reasons for this we allow ourselves to be derailed and next thing you know we miss Thursday and Friday too. Now we’ve screwed things up and we think to ourselves Fuck It. Might as well eat like crap on the weekend too. The next week comes and the wheels have come off completely and there goes all the hard work we had put in.

Instead of just quitting and giving up maybe we should take a look at our resolution or commitment and reevaluate it. I don’t mean change it to make it easier. I do mean adjust it if need be in order to stay on track. Let’s use the gym example where things are going good until you miss that one Wednesday. Why did you miss? Did you have a busy weekend, feeling run down and now here you are mid week and you are tired? Instead of tossing all your time as well as your new good habits down the drain couldn’t you just give yourself some grace, get the rest you need and keep moving forward?

Here is exactly a good point to take a look at what is working and what isn’t working. Did you choose a time that is difficult for you to get to the gym? Would another time work better? Does your commitment to fitness need to ONLY include the gym or could you be flexible when needed by going for a walk, doing an activity with your family or something on the weekend? Also consider that if fitness is a goal then wellness also needs to be a part of that so where is the balance. Saying your are going to the gym five days a week but then at the expense of being run down or getting sick isn’t exactly accomplishing any fitness goals either. So again, I am not suggesting to make the goal easier but rather make it more realistic or enjoyable or attainable.

Now here is a personal example. On my birthday I decided that I would write a blog post every day for one year. The only reason for not writing would be if I was sick or in a place where I had no internet. The next day I made my post and felt good. Then the next and so on….until one night came and it was very late and I was very tired. I went to bed. The next day I did two posts. Yesterday the same thing happened and dammit now that’s twice. I could be mad at myself and give up, saying this was a stupid idea as though it was the ideas fault and not my own. OR, I could say to myself “Hey, you’re writing too late. It’s a good goal and challenge to write daily but leaving it until bedtime is just too late”.

Bottom line the challenge I gave myself isn’t too hard. But I din’t know what writing everyday would feel like. Now that I have a few weeks under my belt and have started to develop this new habit I can see that the problem isn’t the task itself, the issue is the time in which I’ve been doing it. Currently its 10:30 pm so I’m proving my point. I won’t quit, but tomorrow I will readjust my sails and find a new time.

Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence

~ Vince Lombardi

The founder of the martial art of Aikido was fond of using the term Agatsu, “self victory”. According to the founder, true victory (MASAKATSU) is the victory ne achieves over oneself (AGATSU). Thus one of the founder’s slogans was:

MASAKATSU AGATSU “The true victory of self mastery”

When the founder spoke of Masakatsu Agatsu he was speaking about more than just victory in combat. This concept is far reaching and is less about controlling the opponent and more about personal development and skill. Victory is not the conquering of an opponent but the mastery of self.

Yesterdays post seemed to be perfectly timed with a conversation that I had with a friend. She called to tell me some upsetting news. Although she didn’t really have many answers or details one thing became apparent to me. It’s easy to see how decisions can be made from an emotional state and they may not be the ones a person would have made had they taken a bit more time to let dust settle or to reflect on their situation.

This got me thinking further and specifically about two phrases that I find hard to swallow. Even though I know they are so true.

1 – This is happening FOR you and not TO you. While this statement may be hard to accept changing your frame of mind about your situation is the difference between empowering yourself and taking a look at what you can learn OR being a victim.

2 – Everything happens the way it’s supposed to happen. How do you know it’s supposed to happen that way? Because it DID. Ohhhh I have struggled with this one. It is especially difficult to work through this as you are navigating the situation or shit storm versus looking back and saying, okay yeah I get it now.

Both of these examples are wonderful opportunities to look in the mirror and dig deep, asking yourself some hard questions. What is the lesson for you to learn? Maybe there is more than one. What did you learn ab out yourself or the other person/people involved? Were you really being true to yourself before? Were you being honest with yourself? Was this situation given to you as a catalyst for the thing you are meant to be doing?

Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in the immediate trauma or grief of a situation that instead of just looking it in the face, acknowledging it and moving forward we end up dragging it along, weighing us down. We carry this baggage like an invisible cloak. We repeat the same patterns, or we don’t.

Someone said to Voltaire, “Life is hard.” Voltaire replied, “Compared to what?”

The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.

Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation which is always neutral, which always is as it is. There is the situation or the fact, and here are my thoughts about it. Instead of making up stories, stay with the facts. “I am ruined” is a story. It limits you and prevents you from taking effective action. “I have 50 cents left in my bank account” is a fact.

Facing facts is always empowering. Be aware that what you think, to a large extent, creates the emotions that you feel. See the link between your thinking and your emotions. Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.

~ Eckhart Tolle

Imaging right now a scenario where a family member, friend or coworker makes a decision that you do not agree with. This should be fairly easy considering what has happened over the last two years. Got your example? Good.

As you read these words did your example come without thought or hesitation? What did you feel as you thought of your situation and the decision that this other person made which you disagree with?

Do you feel anger?

Do you feel sad?

Do you feel disappointed or frustrated?

Do you feel surprised and kind of like you don’t know who they really are because you can’t believe they are doing this?

Now let me ask you this….HOW does this person’s decision directly affect or impact your life?

Does it change the time of day you wake up?

Does it impact your job?

Does it affect your drive to work or daily habits?

Does it change ANYTHING about you personally?

You may have answered a YES to a few of or all of the first set of questions. And I’m willing to bet you answered NO to all of the bottom questions. So here’s the thing. THEIR DECISION IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Yeah, yeah I get it that you are friends. OR that it’s your sibling. OR that you have worked with this person for so many years. But it’s none of your business. Unless something directly impacts or affects you your opinion doesn’t matter concerning someone else’s decision. EVEN IF they ask you. EVEN IF they spend hours and hours talking with you.

This is a difficult concept to grasp or rather separate ourselves from. Because what we really are doing is getting emotionally attached to another person’s story and we now feel like we are involved in it too. While our life paths may cross or even run together for years, they are still TWO separate lives. You cannot claim to know what’s best for another person. And the most difficult thing about this is that even if you did know best, they still need to make their own decision so they can have their own learning experiences out of life. There has to be ups and downs, mistakes and successes.

As we navigate this thing called life make sure you take a good long hard look in the mirror and reflect upon the things that you are doing, could be doing, should be doing, shouldn’t be doing and ask yourself if your really in a position to judge your friend, family member or coworker with anything other than love, kindness and acceptance.

Before you take the speck out of someone else’s eye, take the log out of your own

Considering all that is happening here in Canada I feel like this prayer needs to be shared. I don’t know for certain who wrote the prayer. I found it in an old training log book that a guy left at my house after a workout. Maybe he wrote it, maybe he copied it. But wherever you are, whatever you are going through – this is for you.

Dear God,

Give me what no one else wants; what no one else dares to ask for.

Give me darkness, coldness, discomfort and pain.

My God, you’ve given me courage, strength and faith to work in turmoil,

Insecurity and chaos to do the right thing, no matter the situation.

Pain is inevitable in this life.

Remind me God that suffering is optional.

Amen

Minding your own business. This is something that in a way can easily become a forgotten practice and then when you say it to someone it can sound rude. I feel like we live in a time where everyone is always sharing so much information and seeking answers or guidance or confirmation about what they are doing. Yet on the other hand when you offer your two cents or advice it can be seen as pushy and nosy for getting in someone’s business.

I suppose that in many ways this back and forth just happens naturally and throughout the years or time spent with people. Whether it’s family you see all the time or a coworker that you start chatting with it seems like the progression transpires without knowing or thinking about it. It becomes part of your conversation. When someone shares a problem or situation and then you see them again we naturally want to know what happened, what did they say, what was the result. But do we listen just to listen or do we start attaching emotions to the other person’s story, after all we feel like we are experiencing it through their replay? This is where it seems like we have the right to offer advice or make suggestions because now we have invested lots of time with this person into conversation about whatever it is.

Life can teach you many lessons if you are willing to see them. And these lessons are most obvious when you are at the receiving end of the stick. After having gone through a long situation of dealing with people that could not mind their own business, and they gossiped, and they knew all the answers to everything (yet of course did’t have skin in the game) it awakened me to my own behaviour.

Now when someone is talking or sharing a problem I let them vent without stepping in or giving an opinion unless asked. Her is the thing though, even IF you are asked it’s still none of your business. So I am careful to answer the What Would You Do question. Because here’s the thing…they are NOT going to do what I would do. We are all different people. So instead of insisting on how I would do something I have learned to give a suggestion more based on them and what might be within their capacity or better suited for them.

Taking a step back to just listen sometimes has turned out to be a gift because ultimately not everyone wants help or solutions or to have something fixed. Sometimes people just want to talk out loud. And they just need an ear.

You must be interested in finding the best way, not in having your own way.

~ John Wooden